Tough Times

Hey there,

It’s been a while since my last blog hasn’t it? Anyways, I just wanted to explain some stuff that has been going on.

Anyways, I’ve been in a pretty dark place about some stuff in my life; there is still something that hasn’t been healed in my heart and I am continuing to pray about it. However, I had such an awesome night on wed. Had some really good words spoken over me and during our little worship time, God gave me a couple visions. The first one was that i was lying on the floor in front of his feet and he knelt down and used his thumb to open my mouth. He then proceeded to pour something down my throat, and, asking Him what it was, He said it was the honey of His love. I asked Him what it as for an he didn’t answer me. Then a minute later I was given the next vision. I was kneeling at His throne and He took this large bowl of oil and emptied it onto my head, I was soaked with oil. I then asked Him what that was and He said that it was the oil of joy. After sharing that with the two ladies I was praying with at the end of the night, one of them stated that the oil of joy comes through pain. So i’ve been thinking about both visions and something came to me this morning. Last night I was very very grumpy and bitter, I liken it to how grumpy and bitter i was when I was in Toronto, which was the most intense period of hatred in my life. But something was different, instead of burning with a cold, calculated anger and hatred, my heart burned with Love and I could feel God’s presence in an amazing way; I was still grumpy and bitter, but His love quite overshadowed everything else. You see, there is a wound here that needs healing and I’m not sure the process will be entirely pleasant, so He is pouring out His love in the midst of all the confusion and bitterness. As I go through this path, this valley it might be called, there could very well be some painful things that I have to face and now I understand that after all this is said and done, He’s going to anoint me with such a joy, as He did in the vision. You see, the Vision gives me something to look forward to; that I don’t have to go through this without His love and that I have an immense amount of joy to look forward to once I am through it.

So, that being said I’ll move onto the struggles I’ve been having.

I’ve been feeling pretty grumpy of late. It’s a combination of things really, for one, it’s felt like everything that I am currently trying to accomplish -doing a doc, paying off my loan, considering going to Van for a bit to work on a friends set as the audio guy, my desires to actually move one day and see the world etc- is all in vain and doesn’t mean anything. Secondly, it’s easter and I really really dislike traditions, especially useless traditions like trying to find some stupid toy or chocolate that your parents hid that morning. Mainly because I don’t really use toys anymore and I don’t/can’t eat chocolate, so i really just find the whole thing pointless and it makes me really grumpy. Plus, it’s a commercialization of an event that, when you really think about it, the person the holiday is about would absolutely despise the fact that we’ve commercialized something that is so profound and reduced it to a weekend of candy and tainted it’s image with an image of a bunny. The other reason is that it’s my birthday soon and I’ve always disliked my birthday. A part of me still just wants to be forgotten and I really don’t like being singled out or the centre of attention, especially if a lot of people really don’t honestly care. I hate it when people are fake just so they can appear to be ’polite’; lets be real for once instead, can’t we?

Well at least those are my reasons as to why I dislike easter and my birthday. I’ve been telling myself that stuff for so many years now that I’ve maybe suppressed the real reasons why this time of year gets me so bitter and grumpy. I think there’s still something there, I think I still haven’t fully come to trust people. And besides? In regards to my birthday, doesn’t the fact that I dislike telling people when it is actually fly right in the face of what i learned about love and friendship in the fall?

"It is not the nature of love to force a relationship, it is the nature of love to open the way."

We’re not to put expectations on people and all my life I think i’ve been expecting people to fail me when it comes to my birthday and I’ve also been saying "If you’re honestly not going to care, then why should I tell you when it is?" But really, why does it matter if they know? Why does it matter if their sincerity is nothing more than a fake mask to appear being polite? Am I not robbing the chance for people who are sincere to actually show it? I should be giving people the chance to show me how much i mean to them instead of taking it away from everyone simply because a few people aren’t truly sincere about it. It’s their choice to be sincere and whether they choose it or not, I still have to extend them the chance to decide, I still have to let them choose. But it goes much more beyond that; I can’t retract the extension to them even if they do choose insincerity because it’s still their choice.

But yeah... I don’t think God has revealed everything here that He needs to, but we shall see.

Hope you’re all doing wonderful!
YFTCF
Greg