Hey there folks,
So these past few days have been the 1 year anniverasry of the start of the Danielle situation. Hard to believe that that has already been a year ago. Sadly, the effects of what happened still have a mark on my life and I don't know if i can ever truly ever heal fully. Too much happened, too many mistakes were made, too many words were said, too many promises were broken, on both sides. I am not proud by the way i handled that at all, and I am not proud i broke the promises I made to Danielle. I think one of the images hat will stay with me for the rest of my life is one of the two of us passing eachother in the hallway. We were both alone and I just glared at her. I remember seeing the look in her eyes, they were so broken, so sad, and so burdened; i felt so bad. I had promised her that I wouldn't hurt her and that I would never leave her alone. Some friend I turned out to be. I abandoned the one person who seemed to actually care about me at school. Sure, I have a couple others i havn't stopped talking to, but she was different, our friendship went so much deeper than any other friendship I had there. Anyways, that's enough reminiscingfor tonight i think.
Greg
9.30.2006
9.13.2006
The Sea of Lonliness
Hey there,
So this story and poem were written by myself a couple years ago. You'll get the gist of the post once you read them I think.
The Sea of Lonliness
I row through the silent waters, the only sound being that of the oars as they cut through the bitter cold surface below. This sound was once a sound filled with hope, hope that I was moving in the right direction, but through the silence it has become something quite different; it reverberates within my skull with the revelation that I am not rowing towards a peace filled land at all. I realize with all certainty that this sound, which reverberates within my head, which is created by my motion forward, is really only bringing me closer and closer to a still and silent oblivion; the very sea that was once my friend has now betrayed me. “Come Greg,” it said to me, “see how people reject you? See how they hurt you? See how they betray your trust? Silent loneliness will never betray you; will never hurt you! Come now! Isolate yourself! Isolation will never demand that you fit in, and in being alone, you will never be hurt again!” Unfortunately, I had not realized that in being isolated, in being alone, I would never be able to experience the joys that deep friends go through. So without understanding I stepped into a boat of Silence and Isolation and ventured out onto the vast sea of loneliness. It is this vast sea that has betrayed me! Yes, a deep fog has overcome me and I am now unable to distinguish how to get back; back into the world of deep meaningful friendships. It is almost impossible for me to remember what it looks like, and therefore I am even more lost and isolated than I ever was before. The mist of confusion and the stillness surround me like an iron curtain and the boat, in which once was my abode, has become to me a one-man prison. There is one, though, who can lift the iron curtain and remove me from my silent penitentiary. One whose word is always true and who sincerely wants to be my friend. This friend is found in Jesus Christ my Lord and there is this one and only query left to answer; will I choose to follow Him and the path of healing that He sets before me, or will I continue to row? Both paths ensue me with fear; for the former, I am afraid of being let down, rejected and hurt again, and the latter? Because I know that if I continue down it, if I continue to drift on this Sea of Loneliness, I will be forever condemned to an empty silence and will one day slip into dark oblivion...
I row
I sit quietly for a moment but then I continue to forge ahead
Ceaselessly moving onward over a calm and silent sea.
Alone in this boat, my wounded heart and seclusion are eternally wed
Ceaselessly floating onward over a calm and lonely sea.
I remember the promise I was given if I would just sit here and row
Endlessly staring at the chance that hangs above my boats edge
Recalling the assurance I was handed if I would just sit here and row
Endlessly screaming as my hope does fade on this broken pledge.
I ponder my hearts paradigm of a still, quiet, and forlorn detachment
Ceaselessly praying for the strength to stand and put down my oars.
Alone no more, I realize that my time in prayer was not utterly spent,
And that I can now come to rest on those distant, far-off shores...
I'm having a hard time with some stuff right now; pulling away from everyone I love yet again. Being consumed by the same fear, the same pain, and the same bitterness that I once was lost in and I'm unable to stop the process. The more time that goes by, the more I am slipping away and I lose myself to the winter within. And yet, I still cling on to hope, there's a part of me that won't give up. Just say a prayer for me, I don't want to give up. I feel spiritually how i felt all those years ago when I woke up being strangled by a demon. Please don't think i am strange, I woke up that morning and could not breathe, I couldn't even move. Not an inch. I couldn't move my legs, my arms, my head, I couldn't roll over; i was stuck half on my stomach and half on my side being held up by something. The more I struggled the tighter everything became and it wasn't until i said in my head "In the name of Jesus I command you to release me" that I was able to shake my shoulders and the sensation was instantly gone; I was free to get up out of bed where before I couldn't. That physical feeling that morning is how i now feel spiritually; strangled, alone and afraid.
TTYL
Greg
So this story and poem were written by myself a couple years ago. You'll get the gist of the post once you read them I think.
The Sea of Lonliness
I row through the silent waters, the only sound being that of the oars as they cut through the bitter cold surface below. This sound was once a sound filled with hope, hope that I was moving in the right direction, but through the silence it has become something quite different; it reverberates within my skull with the revelation that I am not rowing towards a peace filled land at all. I realize with all certainty that this sound, which reverberates within my head, which is created by my motion forward, is really only bringing me closer and closer to a still and silent oblivion; the very sea that was once my friend has now betrayed me. “Come Greg,” it said to me, “see how people reject you? See how they hurt you? See how they betray your trust? Silent loneliness will never betray you; will never hurt you! Come now! Isolate yourself! Isolation will never demand that you fit in, and in being alone, you will never be hurt again!” Unfortunately, I had not realized that in being isolated, in being alone, I would never be able to experience the joys that deep friends go through. So without understanding I stepped into a boat of Silence and Isolation and ventured out onto the vast sea of loneliness. It is this vast sea that has betrayed me! Yes, a deep fog has overcome me and I am now unable to distinguish how to get back; back into the world of deep meaningful friendships. It is almost impossible for me to remember what it looks like, and therefore I am even more lost and isolated than I ever was before. The mist of confusion and the stillness surround me like an iron curtain and the boat, in which once was my abode, has become to me a one-man prison. There is one, though, who can lift the iron curtain and remove me from my silent penitentiary. One whose word is always true and who sincerely wants to be my friend. This friend is found in Jesus Christ my Lord and there is this one and only query left to answer; will I choose to follow Him and the path of healing that He sets before me, or will I continue to row? Both paths ensue me with fear; for the former, I am afraid of being let down, rejected and hurt again, and the latter? Because I know that if I continue down it, if I continue to drift on this Sea of Loneliness, I will be forever condemned to an empty silence and will one day slip into dark oblivion...
I row
I sit quietly for a moment but then I continue to forge ahead
Ceaselessly moving onward over a calm and silent sea.
Alone in this boat, my wounded heart and seclusion are eternally wed
Ceaselessly floating onward over a calm and lonely sea.
I remember the promise I was given if I would just sit here and row
Endlessly staring at the chance that hangs above my boats edge
Recalling the assurance I was handed if I would just sit here and row
Endlessly screaming as my hope does fade on this broken pledge.
I ponder my hearts paradigm of a still, quiet, and forlorn detachment
Ceaselessly praying for the strength to stand and put down my oars.
Alone no more, I realize that my time in prayer was not utterly spent,
And that I can now come to rest on those distant, far-off shores...
I'm having a hard time with some stuff right now; pulling away from everyone I love yet again. Being consumed by the same fear, the same pain, and the same bitterness that I once was lost in and I'm unable to stop the process. The more time that goes by, the more I am slipping away and I lose myself to the winter within. And yet, I still cling on to hope, there's a part of me that won't give up. Just say a prayer for me, I don't want to give up. I feel spiritually how i felt all those years ago when I woke up being strangled by a demon. Please don't think i am strange, I woke up that morning and could not breathe, I couldn't even move. Not an inch. I couldn't move my legs, my arms, my head, I couldn't roll over; i was stuck half on my stomach and half on my side being held up by something. The more I struggled the tighter everything became and it wasn't until i said in my head "In the name of Jesus I command you to release me" that I was able to shake my shoulders and the sensation was instantly gone; I was free to get up out of bed where before I couldn't. That physical feeling that morning is how i now feel spiritually; strangled, alone and afraid.
TTYL
Greg
9.05.2006
A scare?
Hey Peeps,
So I coughed up a bit of blood yesterday. Been feeling kind of sick of late and yesterday was the straw that broke my back and i went to the doc. Told him about what happened and how i was feeling and he said "Looks like you have a bit of the flu and your tonsils are a little swollen, but aren't bad." I wonder. I should trust him but yeah, I don't feel too many flu-like symptoms and my throat is more sore than anything, but yeah he seemed to think there was nothing really abnormal about me. It's always disconceriting when you cough up a bit of blood.
Yeah, still no word on any other jobs. I found a school in Colorado that i may go to next fall and if that's the case, I'll be workign here to save up enough money. Am seriously thinking about applying for Initial Attack next summer and do fire fighting, but only if i go to Colorado. Otherwise, I'll continue looking for work in my field. We'll see where things go. My brother thinks I should apply for IA.
Anyways, I should go to bed
TTYL
Greg
P.S. I'm doing much better witht eh whole Lea situation now; I've basically let my feelings for her go, but I am still upset about what happened.
So I coughed up a bit of blood yesterday. Been feeling kind of sick of late and yesterday was the straw that broke my back and i went to the doc. Told him about what happened and how i was feeling and he said "Looks like you have a bit of the flu and your tonsils are a little swollen, but aren't bad." I wonder. I should trust him but yeah, I don't feel too many flu-like symptoms and my throat is more sore than anything, but yeah he seemed to think there was nothing really abnormal about me. It's always disconceriting when you cough up a bit of blood.
Yeah, still no word on any other jobs. I found a school in Colorado that i may go to next fall and if that's the case, I'll be workign here to save up enough money. Am seriously thinking about applying for Initial Attack next summer and do fire fighting, but only if i go to Colorado. Otherwise, I'll continue looking for work in my field. We'll see where things go. My brother thinks I should apply for IA.
Anyways, I should go to bed
TTYL
Greg
P.S. I'm doing much better witht eh whole Lea situation now; I've basically let my feelings for her go, but I am still upset about what happened.
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