The Sea of Lonliness

Hey there,

So this story and poem were written by myself a couple years ago. You'll get the gist of the post once you read them I think.

The Sea of Lonliness

I row through the silent waters, the only sound being that of the oars as they cut through the bitter cold surface below. This sound was once a sound filled with hope, hope that I was moving in the right direction, but through the silence it has become something quite different; it reverberates within my skull with the revelation that I am not rowing towards a peace filled land at all. I realize with all certainty that this sound, which reverberates within my head, which is created by my motion forward, is really only bringing me closer and closer to a still and silent oblivion; the very sea that was once my friend has now betrayed me. “Come Greg,” it said to me, “see how people reject you? See how they hurt you? See how they betray your trust? Silent loneliness will never betray you; will never hurt you! Come now! Isolate yourself! Isolation will never demand that you fit in, and in being alone, you will never be hurt again!” Unfortunately, I had not realized that in being isolated, in being alone, I would never be able to experience the joys that deep friends go through. So without understanding I stepped into a boat of Silence and Isolation and ventured out onto the vast sea of loneliness. It is this vast sea that has betrayed me! Yes, a deep fog has overcome me and I am now unable to distinguish how to get back; back into the world of deep meaningful friendships. It is almost impossible for me to remember what it looks like, and therefore I am even more lost and isolated than I ever was before. The mist of confusion and the stillness surround me like an iron curtain and the boat, in which once was my abode, has become to me a one-man prison. There is one, though, who can lift the iron curtain and remove me from my silent penitentiary. One whose word is always true and who sincerely wants to be my friend. This friend is found in Jesus Christ my Lord and there is this one and only query left to answer; will I choose to follow Him and the path of healing that He sets before me, or will I continue to row? Both paths ensue me with fear; for the former, I am afraid of being let down, rejected and hurt again, and the latter? Because I know that if I continue down it, if I continue to drift on this Sea of Loneliness, I will be forever condemned to an empty silence and will one day slip into dark oblivion...

I row
I sit quietly for a moment but then I continue to forge ahead
Ceaselessly moving onward over a calm and silent sea.
Alone in this boat, my wounded heart and seclusion are eternally wed
Ceaselessly floating onward over a calm and lonely sea.

I remember the promise I was given if I would just sit here and row
Endlessly staring at the chance that hangs above my boats edge
Recalling the assurance I was handed if I would just sit here and row
Endlessly screaming as my hope does fade on this broken pledge.

I ponder my hearts paradigm of a still, quiet, and forlorn detachment
Ceaselessly praying for the strength to stand and put down my oars.
Alone no more, I realize that my time in prayer was not utterly spent,
And that I can now come to rest on those distant, far-off shores...

I'm having a hard time with some stuff right now; pulling away from everyone I love yet again. Being consumed by the same fear, the same pain, and the same bitterness that I once was lost in and I'm unable to stop the process. The more time that goes by, the more I am slipping away and I lose myself to the winter within. And yet, I still cling on to hope, there's a part of me that won't give up. Just say a prayer for me, I don't want to give up. I feel spiritually how i felt all those years ago when I woke up being strangled by a demon. Please don't think i am strange, I woke up that morning and could not breathe, I couldn't even move. Not an inch. I couldn't move my legs, my arms, my head, I couldn't roll over; i was stuck half on my stomach and half on my side being held up by something. The more I struggled the tighter everything became and it wasn't until i said in my head "In the name of Jesus I command you to release me" that I was able to shake my shoulders and the sensation was instantly gone; I was free to get up out of bed where before I couldn't. That physical feeling that morning is how i now feel spiritually; strangled, alone and afraid.

TTYL

Greg