Hey

Hi there,

I deleted a couple posts because people were just going to mis-interpret why i had them up in the first place. I had a really really bad dream last night. It felt kind of like a judgement almost, where everything i have ever done was shown to me, everyone in the dream kept calling me selfish, and yeah. All it did was point at all my faults and basically mock me for them. I was ripped apart and torn down, and then it was all thrown in my face. You see a lot of the dream had to do with what happened in Toronto, I felt the stinging judging words from Danielle again and then, when it was all said and done and i felt like the most horrible person in the world, I was mocked by someone showing me pictures of her taking her top off for the guy she said she wasn't dating. It burned. Basically the whole dream was a mockery and everyone i ever cared for was taking a turn. Why is it that I can't write about my struggles and what I am trying to deal with without feeling so selfish? Without people telling me I am being selfish? Why can't people realize that anything and everything they might consider in the situation, I have already considered myself? I don't have the time to write down every thought I have had on a matter, that would take forever. I'm an analytical person and I consider every single little sidechain there is. If I miss one, it's not for lack of trying or caring or being selfish. If i write about something on the internet, it's not to stab out at people, it's more to get my frustrations out and help me come to a decision, because it means i usually havn't decided yet.
what is the song? "I was sure by now, God you would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day but once agian I say amen and it's still raining. But as the thunder rolls I barely hear your whisper through the rain 'I'm with you' and as your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am and every tear i've cried you hold in your hand, you never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm. I remeber when i stumbleded in the wind, you heard my cry to you and raised me up again. My strength is almost gone, how can i carry on, if i can't find You. But as the thunder rolls I barely hear your whisper through the rain 'I'm with you' And as your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away."
This time in my life is a true storm, clouded with pain, the loss of freindship, and my own selfishness and I can barely hear His voice, if I even can; if i am even worthy to hear His voice...
Greg

Hiya

Hey,

So I went to Lea's Myspace page again to check for updates and she has pictures of the guy she's now dating up. Thye look really happy together. She is still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen but I'm happy for her. A part of me cries because when I look at that, I see something that I would love to have, I would love to be with someone and be that happy with them, but my heart tells me that that is impossible. I don't know what it is but all my life I've believed I would end up alone and it really scares me, to a degree. People tell me it's not true, I hear the Lord telling me it's not true, but despite all of that, my heart can feel nothing else; I can't seem to believe. A part of me thinks that if it wasn't Lea, then it would be no one. I'm sorry for this, I am just really frustrated righ tnow. I see all these good things happening to all of my friends and yet these past 2 years I've felt like God has completely ignored me. All my freinds in school got opportunity after opportunity thrown into their laps to build contacts and do things involving audio, and yet I got nothing despite the fact that I was one of the top students. the contacts i did get said they'd keep in touch but that has proven untrue. I see other friends getting jobs in their fields, getting their dreams of going to law school fulfilled, finding someone to be with, and having a good time with life. And what do i get? A job I absolutely can't stand, living in a town I absolutely can't stand anymore, no prospects of a job in my field and each door that is seemingly opened, is slammed shut again. It's hard for me not to beome bitter again and despite all the progess I've made these past few weeks, I'm almost ready to throw my faith down and start doing things on my own. I'm an extremist and right now I could either go extreme faith or drop my faith completely. In either case, it's taking more strength than I have to pull through. I don't have the strength anymore to have faith and I don't have the strength to continue on my own without faith.

So as I said, time will tell if my blog title proved to be true or not. I view blogs as 'Inherent Contradictions of Reason' because if you truly use it as a journal and have difficulties -or anything like that- with friends who know about the blog and can go and read it whenever they want, then really, either you can't write what you truly want to write or you're flying in the face of all reason and writing about struggles they should maybe not hear about.

The reason I write this is because I want your opinions, your prayers, your ideas, any help or words you may have oand yeah. That's why I write this, it's not just to vent.

YFTCF

Gregory

A Beautiful Warrior: Explained

Hey friends,

So this is an explanation of the poem below. I wrote thi poem about someone i met back in January and she was and is still the most amazing person I've met in my life. Only now she has a boyfriend. When i let her first read the poem, she didn't have a boyfriend but I still think the meaning was lost on her and everyone else. Besides the obvious, where I realized that I'm not perfect, she's not perfect (in the literal sense, being her, but also in the sense that all women aren't perfect) and we will never be perfect, there's a line i would like to draw attention to. "But I am seperated from her in both time and space." The 'her' here is literal, being the person i wrote the poem about, not women in general. Here's the rub, despite everything I've come to feel, there are certain things that I just know, and i knew when i wrote this poem that my path and her path were going 2 very different ways and to have her companionship would be impossible. Some would call me foolish to let my feelings grow so much if i knew it were impossible, but if you knew me, I don't regard such things as foolishness and I give love a chance no matter what happens. So yeah, as happens with a lot of things, I think the full meaning of this poem was lost on everyone who read it.
TTYL
Gregory

Poem: A Beautiful Soldier

A Beautiful Soldier

We are surrounded by a valley

Its trees are dispersed in a random pattern and

The waterfall shines like a cascade of mirrors.

In the silver moonlit night, its rumble only adds

To the beauty that now encircles our encampment.

And then I see her, a warrior.

I see her by the fire; her dark hair hangs loosely down her back

And the flickering light is cast upon her face.

The orange glow accenting her fair complexion

Also provides a reprieve from the night's bitter chill.

I cry, because my desire is to have her companionship

But I am separated from her in both time and space

And with greatest reluctance, I turn away and approach the waterfall,

The rumbling cascade drowning out the din of everything else.

I saw, etched deep into her face, a mighty dedication,

A strong devotion to the Christ Messiah

And I begin to wonder where my own heart lies.

Peering into the silver cascade of mirrors

I catch a glimpse of my broken reflection...

Then the sound of light footsteps breaks my concentration

And I turn, startled to find her smiling at my side.

My breath is still as our attention shifts back to the waterfall

And my eyes see a mystifying thing;

There, within the silver moonlit cascade

Lay the mirrored images of two broken reflections.

You are not alone

The steep mountain slope stood before him, nothing but rock surrounded him. He was unable to see the horizon and the mountains about him were indeed impenetrable. Fear gripped his heart as he stood alone on the side of this mountain, it haunted him it followed him. He could not escape the feeling, could not escape the moments of overwhelming doubt. They followed him as if they were the very essence of the black clouds that lay below him. There was so much pain, so much confusion within those clouds and despite all his strength he could not keep in front of them. His situation was bleak, a wall of rock stood before him with only pain, confusion and loneliness behind him. Where could he find his peace, where could he put his trust...

Dressed in his dull, beat up armor the soldier stood in a bleak and wasted landscape. The army behind him was ceaselessly cursing, yelling and taunting him. The hatred they had towards him, the pure unchecked bloodlust they had for his demise haunted the soldier; he was weak and could not stand anymore. Falling to his knees in bitter frustration he cried aloud; he knew his demise would soon become a reality. His enemy had won and they had been able to knock down his defenses. As if to re-iterate this, his helmet slipped off his head and fell to the dusty ground. His hope was gone. Where could he find his peace, his strength, and, in whom could he put his trust...

...The lone man looked at the dark churning clouds behind him and the impenetrable wall of solid rock in front of him and then something overcame him. He was aware of a presence so holy, so divine standing right beside him. He turned to look but could see no one, and yet, he knew there was someone beside him holding his hand and carrying him along. It spoke of a hope, of someone so trustworthy and faithful, and now he knew that this rock face was not as impenetrable as he once had thought. He turned his back on the prison of clouds below him and took one step forward into the future. Yes, there would be trying times but the one beside him would be there to show him the path.

...As the soldier sat there sobbing he felt someone approach him. Thinking it was finally the end he collapsed to the ground, his face pressed hard into the soil. But he felt someone reach down and touch him, a touch not of hate, but of love and he was raised from off his face. Still unable to stand, the soldier stayed on his knees looking up trying to see his helpers face, but the brilliance behind this strange person kept him from seeing much detail. He watched as his helper bent down to pick up the fallen helmet. Dusting it off the stranger placed the helmet back onto the soldiers head. Standing him up, the stranger said one sentence, “Go. I go with you and my strength is yours.” With that the soldier turned to face the army before him and raising his sword, he leveled it at the creatures that so wanted to destroy him. He knew now that this would be a different battle and he was indeed not alone in it.

This is a story I wrote not too long ago. Sometimes I begin to wonder if I write these stories for a reason that I cannot comprehend at the time the last key is struck. You see, every time i go back to read them, I seem to be facing some kind of trial, some kind of struggle; when all hope seems to be lost, the things I've written seem to reach into my very heart and calm the waters. They seem to bolster my strength and my resolve to not give in and not be conquered by the troubles of this life.

Random Bush Stories

So this is a picture of a river near my place. Absolutely gorgeous isn't it? I'm someone who loves nature and when I see pictures like this, it makes me just want to be there.
For those of you who don't know, and I am sure that is almost everyone who reads this blog. I am a sound engineer currently working in the bush unti I can find something in my own field of expertise. I love the outdoors a lot. I complain about work sometimes only because when I am working, I have no time to appreciate the wilderness I am in, I don't have any time to explore, and I can't choose when I want to go out or where. So I end up just not liking my job at all and can get really frustrated sometimes. However, I've hadsome of the most amazing experiences while working in the bush. Like just a few weeks ago I had a squirrel use my head as a platform for escape. You see, my partners dog had been digging at this root wad for some time and I was sitting down on a log nearby. We were doing a re-sweep of a cruise that had failed so i didn't really have much to do at the time. As i was sitting there thinking, I kind of felt something brush my arm and then, I was hit in the head. I thought it was my partner and i truned to him but he was too far away. But then he said something that clued me in, he said "Oh, looks like it got away from you Hudson!". I knew immediately what had happened. The squirrel he had been digging for got real panicked and decided to take a gamble by running right for a human and using it's head as a platform to jump to a nearby tree. I couldn't believe it when I first realized what had happened to me. The poor thing must have been absolutley terrified to pull a stunt like that. What makes it even more funny is that I had almost decided to stand up a split second before all this occoured. If i had, the quirrel would have been airborne and unable to change it's trajectory. In which case, I would have been wearing that thing in my shoulder, rather than my head and Yeah, things would have gotten interesting from there; it would have been a true 'Goofey' moment to behold, everything going wrong at once.
A few days later I had a deer come within 10 feet of trampling me. My partners dog (same dog) decided it would be fun to chase them around a block we were GPS'ing at the time and this stupid thing came bounding over a small bump/hill of which i was standing at the base. I yelled 'Whoa deer!' and it took an immediate right hand turn and bounded off. I thought for a second it was a bear and panicked because i had left my bear spray in the truck.
Anyways, those are just a few of my bush stories; I've had many over the years!

Testing the Waters

Hi there,

I'm not sur ehow this blog spot works, but i thought i would give it a try. Why not hey? It seems like it is pretty neat. I don't know very many people who have one though so this could be interesting.
Anyways, I have stories, but i am tired right now. Seems to be the trend of late. I re-started my Myspace blog as well. That URL is www.myspace.com/gbmurray.
TTYL folks
Gregory