Hiya

Hey,

So I went to Lea's Myspace page again to check for updates and she has pictures of the guy she's now dating up. Thye look really happy together. She is still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen but I'm happy for her. A part of me cries because when I look at that, I see something that I would love to have, I would love to be with someone and be that happy with them, but my heart tells me that that is impossible. I don't know what it is but all my life I've believed I would end up alone and it really scares me, to a degree. People tell me it's not true, I hear the Lord telling me it's not true, but despite all of that, my heart can feel nothing else; I can't seem to believe. A part of me thinks that if it wasn't Lea, then it would be no one. I'm sorry for this, I am just really frustrated righ tnow. I see all these good things happening to all of my friends and yet these past 2 years I've felt like God has completely ignored me. All my freinds in school got opportunity after opportunity thrown into their laps to build contacts and do things involving audio, and yet I got nothing despite the fact that I was one of the top students. the contacts i did get said they'd keep in touch but that has proven untrue. I see other friends getting jobs in their fields, getting their dreams of going to law school fulfilled, finding someone to be with, and having a good time with life. And what do i get? A job I absolutely can't stand, living in a town I absolutely can't stand anymore, no prospects of a job in my field and each door that is seemingly opened, is slammed shut again. It's hard for me not to beome bitter again and despite all the progess I've made these past few weeks, I'm almost ready to throw my faith down and start doing things on my own. I'm an extremist and right now I could either go extreme faith or drop my faith completely. In either case, it's taking more strength than I have to pull through. I don't have the strength anymore to have faith and I don't have the strength to continue on my own without faith.

So as I said, time will tell if my blog title proved to be true or not. I view blogs as 'Inherent Contradictions of Reason' because if you truly use it as a journal and have difficulties -or anything like that- with friends who know about the blog and can go and read it whenever they want, then really, either you can't write what you truly want to write or you're flying in the face of all reason and writing about struggles they should maybe not hear about.

The reason I write this is because I want your opinions, your prayers, your ideas, any help or words you may have oand yeah. That's why I write this, it's not just to vent.

YFTCF

Gregory