Hey there folks,
So some of you know that I've started courting an awesome girl and I just wanted to share the story of how it has happened.
So here's the story. Back in early Feb, Chantelle and I talked about a relationship and we both agreed that a relationship right then wouldn't be a good idea. I was still thinking that I might be moving elsewhere (like the east coast) and Chantelle still had a wound in her heart that she needed to have healed so we decided to just remain friends and see each other as brother/sister. After a couple more months of hanging out, Chantelle approached me (2 weeks ago tomorrow) and asked me if I still saw her as a sister because, after the Lord healed her old wounds, she found that her feelings for me had started to grow, quite unexpectedly. I guess she spoke to her mom about it and told her that she really wasn't expecting or trying to have her feelings grow. So yeah, we had a talk 2 weeks ago and I said that I'd be praying about it, because i didn't want to dive into something like i always do. The Atlantic thing didn't work out for me at all and I haven't been able to move anywhere else out-of-province and it felt like I was supposed to just let that go into the Lord's hands anyways, so that helped my decision. I then spoke to my very good friends, Jay and Cherelle, about it asking what they thought on the matter. They had some good input and Jay suggested that I fast for a day, so I did. The more i prayed, the more at peace I was feeling about it, but one thing kept popping up; the fact that I didn't feel like i needed to be with her. In the past, I've needed to be with my girlfriends to find happiness, but with Chantelle, I found that I didn't NEED to be with her to find it. So that was kind of freaking me out because i wasn't sure if I really liked her, but then I asked the Lord what He thought of the matter and He set me straight. He basically asked me "Well, do you want to be with Chantelle?" I said yes, and then He said something else that was pretty profound "Then that's enough. It's not healthy to NEED to be with her Greg; it's very healthy to WANT to be with her despite the fact that you are not drawing your happiness and joy from her." So once He told me that, I was really at peace with the idea. After that the Lord then impressed it upon me to talk to her parents, so last Friday we sat down and had a little discussion in which I asked for their blessing to court their daughter and they asked me a few questions about what that meant and what my plans were as she pursued her dreams. So after our little discussion, they gave me their blessing and prayed for me, and that's how Chantelle and I started our courtship.
Anyways, after a few days I finally had the time to call another good friend of mine, Kenton, and he had something more for me about this matter with the whole not needing, but wanting to be with her. In essence, it's like God's relationship with us; He's not completed by being in a relationship with us and he doesn't need us, but He still desires and wants to be in a relationship with us. I know I don't NEED Chantelle to be happy, but I really WANT to share my joy and my life with her because she is such an amazing person...
Anyways, that's how it all started. It's been pretty neat how this has all unfolded, and especially neat how we were just friends for about a year and good friends for a little over half a year; it gave us the chance to just be ourselves around each other and not throw on any masks, something that has continued to occur in our courtship... the honesty that is.
So yeah, I hope you are encouraged by reading this, it has been pretty cool so far for us!
I should get to bed now.
TTYL!
YFTCF
Greg
5.03.2008
4.08.2008
Joy
So I wrote a little while ago about the struggles that I have been going through lately. I just wanted to share a little bit more revelation on some of the things He's been showing me. Firstly, I had an amazing birthday, I was given a surprise last wednsday, my parents did something for me on saturday (which i enjoyed for once, but I truly was exhausted) and then i made a meal for a couple of my friends here in my town on sunday.
It was perhaps the fist birthday in a very long time that I was at least somewhat joyful. And t wasn't just because people did stuff for me. What made it joyful is the fact that I let myself open up; I truly want to continue to live my life by the wisdom "It is not the nature of love to force a relationship, it is the nature of love to open the way."
That little piece of wisdom still gets me so excited inside! I'm like a bubble machine that bubbles over with joy when God reminds me what true love really is and i get all excited about the chance to put it into practice.
Anyways, that's the one cool thing that happened these past few weeks. The other thing is that I have come to understand what it means to really have joy. I shared the picture with you guy on my last blog, so you know what it was and how i was thinking that after I got through this stressful time, how he'd give me a full measure of joy at the end of the process. Well I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone and he had some incredible wisdom to share. You see, God doesn't just pour joy out on us after we go through something, the reality of the matter is that He pours joy out on us in great amounts AS we're going through something. I realized just how right he is, and so many scriptures back that philosophy up. I've also been noticing it in my life! Three thursday's ago I had an experience that made all of this so real. Maybe I already shared it but it was such a powerful experience, it deserves to be shared again. I was lying on my bed one night after a particular hard and hopeless day. I was just so frustrated and angry, and everything felt so cold again, just like Toronto did, but as i lay on my bed and prayed about it, the lord sent me to a couple verses. Basically he was pointing out that I hadn't been true to my word (s i confessed that) and then he told me I was going to be given joy... After i read those verses and as I lay there in bed, I was still so angry and bitter and frustrated as I was before, but there was something on top of it; God's love was so powerful that even though my heart was cold, I could feel this incredible warmth on top of it all. It was totally unreal! Not only was His love there, but I realize that His joy was as well. That experience just made all of this stuff 100% real to me, and, after speaking to my friend, I have begun to understand what it means to have joy when the situation around you doesn't afford any. Now joy just doesn't come in the midst of pain or confusion, but i think that it is during those times that His joy can truly shine forth and make people wonder why we're still able to move on.
Anyways, let me know what you think!
I gotta go to bed now...
TTYL!
YFTCF
Gregory
It was perhaps the fist birthday in a very long time that I was at least somewhat joyful. And t wasn't just because people did stuff for me. What made it joyful is the fact that I let myself open up; I truly want to continue to live my life by the wisdom "It is not the nature of love to force a relationship, it is the nature of love to open the way."
That little piece of wisdom still gets me so excited inside! I'm like a bubble machine that bubbles over with joy when God reminds me what true love really is and i get all excited about the chance to put it into practice.
Anyways, that's the one cool thing that happened these past few weeks. The other thing is that I have come to understand what it means to really have joy. I shared the picture with you guy on my last blog, so you know what it was and how i was thinking that after I got through this stressful time, how he'd give me a full measure of joy at the end of the process. Well I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone and he had some incredible wisdom to share. You see, God doesn't just pour joy out on us after we go through something, the reality of the matter is that He pours joy out on us in great amounts AS we're going through something. I realized just how right he is, and so many scriptures back that philosophy up. I've also been noticing it in my life! Three thursday's ago I had an experience that made all of this so real. Maybe I already shared it but it was such a powerful experience, it deserves to be shared again. I was lying on my bed one night after a particular hard and hopeless day. I was just so frustrated and angry, and everything felt so cold again, just like Toronto did, but as i lay on my bed and prayed about it, the lord sent me to a couple verses. Basically he was pointing out that I hadn't been true to my word (s i confessed that) and then he told me I was going to be given joy... After i read those verses and as I lay there in bed, I was still so angry and bitter and frustrated as I was before, but there was something on top of it; God's love was so powerful that even though my heart was cold, I could feel this incredible warmth on top of it all. It was totally unreal! Not only was His love there, but I realize that His joy was as well. That experience just made all of this stuff 100% real to me, and, after speaking to my friend, I have begun to understand what it means to have joy when the situation around you doesn't afford any. Now joy just doesn't come in the midst of pain or confusion, but i think that it is during those times that His joy can truly shine forth and make people wonder why we're still able to move on.
Anyways, let me know what you think!
I gotta go to bed now...
TTYL!
YFTCF
Gregory
3.21.2008
Tough Times
Hey there,
It’s been a while since my last blog hasn’t it? Anyways, I just wanted to explain some stuff that has been going on.
Anyways, I’ve been in a pretty dark place about some stuff in my life; there is still something that hasn’t been healed in my heart and I am continuing to pray about it. However, I had such an awesome night on wed. Had some really good words spoken over me and during our little worship time, God gave me a couple visions. The first one was that i was lying on the floor in front of his feet and he knelt down and used his thumb to open my mouth. He then proceeded to pour something down my throat, and, asking Him what it was, He said it was the honey of His love. I asked Him what it as for an he didn’t answer me. Then a minute later I was given the next vision. I was kneeling at His throne and He took this large bowl of oil and emptied it onto my head, I was soaked with oil. I then asked Him what that was and He said that it was the oil of joy. After sharing that with the two ladies I was praying with at the end of the night, one of them stated that the oil of joy comes through pain. So i’ve been thinking about both visions and something came to me this morning. Last night I was very very grumpy and bitter, I liken it to how grumpy and bitter i was when I was in Toronto, which was the most intense period of hatred in my life. But something was different, instead of burning with a cold, calculated anger and hatred, my heart burned with Love and I could feel God’s presence in an amazing way; I was still grumpy and bitter, but His love quite overshadowed everything else. You see, there is a wound here that needs healing and I’m not sure the process will be entirely pleasant, so He is pouring out His love in the midst of all the confusion and bitterness. As I go through this path, this valley it might be called, there could very well be some painful things that I have to face and now I understand that after all this is said and done, He’s going to anoint me with such a joy, as He did in the vision. You see, the Vision gives me something to look forward to; that I don’t have to go through this without His love and that I have an immense amount of joy to look forward to once I am through it.
So, that being said I’ll move onto the struggles I’ve been having.
I’ve been feeling pretty grumpy of late. It’s a combination of things really, for one, it’s felt like everything that I am currently trying to accomplish -doing a doc, paying off my loan, considering going to Van for a bit to work on a friends set as the audio guy, my desires to actually move one day and see the world etc- is all in vain and doesn’t mean anything. Secondly, it’s easter and I really really dislike traditions, especially useless traditions like trying to find some stupid toy or chocolate that your parents hid that morning. Mainly because I don’t really use toys anymore and I don’t/can’t eat chocolate, so i really just find the whole thing pointless and it makes me really grumpy. Plus, it’s a commercialization of an event that, when you really think about it, the person the holiday is about would absolutely despise the fact that we’ve commercialized something that is so profound and reduced it to a weekend of candy and tainted it’s image with an image of a bunny. The other reason is that it’s my birthday soon and I’ve always disliked my birthday. A part of me still just wants to be forgotten and I really don’t like being singled out or the centre of attention, especially if a lot of people really don’t honestly care. I hate it when people are fake just so they can appear to be ’polite’; lets be real for once instead, can’t we?
Well at least those are my reasons as to why I dislike easter and my birthday. I’ve been telling myself that stuff for so many years now that I’ve maybe suppressed the real reasons why this time of year gets me so bitter and grumpy. I think there’s still something there, I think I still haven’t fully come to trust people. And besides? In regards to my birthday, doesn’t the fact that I dislike telling people when it is actually fly right in the face of what i learned about love and friendship in the fall?
"It is not the nature of love to force a relationship, it is the nature of love to open the way."
We’re not to put expectations on people and all my life I think i’ve been expecting people to fail me when it comes to my birthday and I’ve also been saying "If you’re honestly not going to care, then why should I tell you when it is?" But really, why does it matter if they know? Why does it matter if their sincerity is nothing more than a fake mask to appear being polite? Am I not robbing the chance for people who are sincere to actually show it? I should be giving people the chance to show me how much i mean to them instead of taking it away from everyone simply because a few people aren’t truly sincere about it. It’s their choice to be sincere and whether they choose it or not, I still have to extend them the chance to decide, I still have to let them choose. But it goes much more beyond that; I can’t retract the extension to them even if they do choose insincerity because it’s still their choice.
But yeah... I don’t think God has revealed everything here that He needs to, but we shall see.
Hope you’re all doing wonderful!
YFTCF
Greg
It’s been a while since my last blog hasn’t it? Anyways, I just wanted to explain some stuff that has been going on.
Anyways, I’ve been in a pretty dark place about some stuff in my life; there is still something that hasn’t been healed in my heart and I am continuing to pray about it. However, I had such an awesome night on wed. Had some really good words spoken over me and during our little worship time, God gave me a couple visions. The first one was that i was lying on the floor in front of his feet and he knelt down and used his thumb to open my mouth. He then proceeded to pour something down my throat, and, asking Him what it was, He said it was the honey of His love. I asked Him what it as for an he didn’t answer me. Then a minute later I was given the next vision. I was kneeling at His throne and He took this large bowl of oil and emptied it onto my head, I was soaked with oil. I then asked Him what that was and He said that it was the oil of joy. After sharing that with the two ladies I was praying with at the end of the night, one of them stated that the oil of joy comes through pain. So i’ve been thinking about both visions and something came to me this morning. Last night I was very very grumpy and bitter, I liken it to how grumpy and bitter i was when I was in Toronto, which was the most intense period of hatred in my life. But something was different, instead of burning with a cold, calculated anger and hatred, my heart burned with Love and I could feel God’s presence in an amazing way; I was still grumpy and bitter, but His love quite overshadowed everything else. You see, there is a wound here that needs healing and I’m not sure the process will be entirely pleasant, so He is pouring out His love in the midst of all the confusion and bitterness. As I go through this path, this valley it might be called, there could very well be some painful things that I have to face and now I understand that after all this is said and done, He’s going to anoint me with such a joy, as He did in the vision. You see, the Vision gives me something to look forward to; that I don’t have to go through this without His love and that I have an immense amount of joy to look forward to once I am through it.
So, that being said I’ll move onto the struggles I’ve been having.
I’ve been feeling pretty grumpy of late. It’s a combination of things really, for one, it’s felt like everything that I am currently trying to accomplish -doing a doc, paying off my loan, considering going to Van for a bit to work on a friends set as the audio guy, my desires to actually move one day and see the world etc- is all in vain and doesn’t mean anything. Secondly, it’s easter and I really really dislike traditions, especially useless traditions like trying to find some stupid toy or chocolate that your parents hid that morning. Mainly because I don’t really use toys anymore and I don’t/can’t eat chocolate, so i really just find the whole thing pointless and it makes me really grumpy. Plus, it’s a commercialization of an event that, when you really think about it, the person the holiday is about would absolutely despise the fact that we’ve commercialized something that is so profound and reduced it to a weekend of candy and tainted it’s image with an image of a bunny. The other reason is that it’s my birthday soon and I’ve always disliked my birthday. A part of me still just wants to be forgotten and I really don’t like being singled out or the centre of attention, especially if a lot of people really don’t honestly care. I hate it when people are fake just so they can appear to be ’polite’; lets be real for once instead, can’t we?
Well at least those are my reasons as to why I dislike easter and my birthday. I’ve been telling myself that stuff for so many years now that I’ve maybe suppressed the real reasons why this time of year gets me so bitter and grumpy. I think there’s still something there, I think I still haven’t fully come to trust people. And besides? In regards to my birthday, doesn’t the fact that I dislike telling people when it is actually fly right in the face of what i learned about love and friendship in the fall?
"It is not the nature of love to force a relationship, it is the nature of love to open the way."
We’re not to put expectations on people and all my life I think i’ve been expecting people to fail me when it comes to my birthday and I’ve also been saying "If you’re honestly not going to care, then why should I tell you when it is?" But really, why does it matter if they know? Why does it matter if their sincerity is nothing more than a fake mask to appear being polite? Am I not robbing the chance for people who are sincere to actually show it? I should be giving people the chance to show me how much i mean to them instead of taking it away from everyone simply because a few people aren’t truly sincere about it. It’s their choice to be sincere and whether they choose it or not, I still have to extend them the chance to decide, I still have to let them choose. But it goes much more beyond that; I can’t retract the extension to them even if they do choose insincerity because it’s still their choice.
But yeah... I don’t think God has revealed everything here that He needs to, but we shall see.
Hope you’re all doing wonderful!
YFTCF
Greg
2.24.2008
Hey there folks,
So I meant to post this on V-day but never got the chance to. This is a little something I wrote about 5 years ago about my understanding of real Love. There is also a bit about why living in the past or the future is not beneficial.Hope you like.
TTYL
YFTCF
Greg
"I have come to really know how much dedication and trust love requires for it to be able to grow and survive. It’s not some fluffy feeling, not some dreamy, off in wonderland kind of thing. It’s a down to earth thing; not disconnected from feelings, but in harmony with feelings. Love is a peaceful, joyful, heart shared special gift, something that appears weak but is not at all. Where there is love hate cannot abide and where there is love, a heart cannot be unforgiving; when a heart is full of love, forgiveness flourishes like a spring blossom in a bed of black soil. When two love, there is a dedication there, something deep, something special, something, that when you look at them, you see the true love they have for each other. When at a wedding, you can sense God there, for when two love each other with no conditions you catch a glimpse of the Love of God displayed through Christ. Indeed, such love is a mirror image of the one who not only displays love, but the one who is Love. So when you meet the one who God created for you to find, and you whom He created for them to find, love them; first as a friend, for without friendship you would not have a lasting relationship, and then as more. Love them as yourself. When need be, let them go only for God, but never let them go for a job, a hobby, or another relationship that will not last. They are meant to come before those things, but never before God. Follow His will and His light, and you will be full of His Love and His peace. Seek His face and you will know what it is to love and be loved. Only when you understand this can you come to love someone as I described it above, because to know Him is to know love…
Regret nothing you have or haven’t done; what is in the past is in the past and living there will only drag you back into what you were before. Do not be consumed by the future, for if your heart lives there then the present will slip beyond you and you will be forever stuck dreaming about what could be. Instead, live for the present, it is here, in the now, that past regrets fade away and through which dreams come to pass. Like I said before hand, if you live in the future you will be stuck forever dreaming about what could be, but when you live in the present you start to lay the foundation to the future that God has for you. However, do not try it on your own strength or by your own might, for I guarantee that you have not the ability, knowledge, wisdom or understanding on how to construct this tower. Only God has the details and the plans for that, just be willing to allow Him to guide your steps and also, walk through the doors He will open. Because only through Him and by Him do we have the strength to live the life He has set before us… "
So I meant to post this on V-day but never got the chance to. This is a little something I wrote about 5 years ago about my understanding of real Love. There is also a bit about why living in the past or the future is not beneficial.Hope you like.
TTYL
YFTCF
Greg
"I have come to really know how much dedication and trust love requires for it to be able to grow and survive. It’s not some fluffy feeling, not some dreamy, off in wonderland kind of thing. It’s a down to earth thing; not disconnected from feelings, but in harmony with feelings. Love is a peaceful, joyful, heart shared special gift, something that appears weak but is not at all. Where there is love hate cannot abide and where there is love, a heart cannot be unforgiving; when a heart is full of love, forgiveness flourishes like a spring blossom in a bed of black soil. When two love, there is a dedication there, something deep, something special, something, that when you look at them, you see the true love they have for each other. When at a wedding, you can sense God there, for when two love each other with no conditions you catch a glimpse of the Love of God displayed through Christ. Indeed, such love is a mirror image of the one who not only displays love, but the one who is Love. So when you meet the one who God created for you to find, and you whom He created for them to find, love them; first as a friend, for without friendship you would not have a lasting relationship, and then as more. Love them as yourself. When need be, let them go only for God, but never let them go for a job, a hobby, or another relationship that will not last. They are meant to come before those things, but never before God. Follow His will and His light, and you will be full of His Love and His peace. Seek His face and you will know what it is to love and be loved. Only when you understand this can you come to love someone as I described it above, because to know Him is to know love…
Regret nothing you have or haven’t done; what is in the past is in the past and living there will only drag you back into what you were before. Do not be consumed by the future, for if your heart lives there then the present will slip beyond you and you will be forever stuck dreaming about what could be. Instead, live for the present, it is here, in the now, that past regrets fade away and through which dreams come to pass. Like I said before hand, if you live in the future you will be stuck forever dreaming about what could be, but when you live in the present you start to lay the foundation to the future that God has for you. However, do not try it on your own strength or by your own might, for I guarantee that you have not the ability, knowledge, wisdom or understanding on how to construct this tower. Only God has the details and the plans for that, just be willing to allow Him to guide your steps and also, walk through the doors He will open. Because only through Him and by Him do we have the strength to live the life He has set before us… "
2.11.2008
Doubt and Faith: A journal entry about the story I have been working on.
Hey there,
So as all of you should know, I am in the process of writing a story. You've read a couple excerpts from it but I wanted to fill you in on a couple struggles of mine. You see, I've taken no literary classes, no technical writing courses, no English courses, nothing that really qualifies me to really be a 'writer'. This story is quickly becoming something that I know I am not educated enough for writing and I am seriously doubtful that I don't lack the imagination and knowledge to make it as good and as intricate as I want it to be; it's quickly becoming to seem impossible. However, I will keep writing because I have faith that where I lack, God can step in and fill those holes for me. After all, if I could finish it on my own, I would be able to keep all the credit as my own, but if I can't finish it on my own then I know i have to give some of that credit to God because it would simply be ludicrous for me to take it all. Indeed I would have no right to keep all the credit for it, so as crazy as it may sound, maybe this is a good place to be. I don't know, what are your thoughts?
YFTCF
Greg
So as all of you should know, I am in the process of writing a story. You've read a couple excerpts from it but I wanted to fill you in on a couple struggles of mine. You see, I've taken no literary classes, no technical writing courses, no English courses, nothing that really qualifies me to really be a 'writer'. This story is quickly becoming something that I know I am not educated enough for writing and I am seriously doubtful that I don't lack the imagination and knowledge to make it as good and as intricate as I want it to be; it's quickly becoming to seem impossible. However, I will keep writing because I have faith that where I lack, God can step in and fill those holes for me. After all, if I could finish it on my own, I would be able to keep all the credit as my own, but if I can't finish it on my own then I know i have to give some of that credit to God because it would simply be ludicrous for me to take it all. Indeed I would have no right to keep all the credit for it, so as crazy as it may sound, maybe this is a good place to be. I don't know, what are your thoughts?
YFTCF
Greg
2.06.2008
The Old 'Sea of Lonliness'
So I am going to share with you (I probably already have in the past) a story and poem that I wrote back in 2004, 4 years ago now (probably almost to this very day). I share this with you because the other day we were asked at church to go around our tables (yes we sit at tables at my church) and boast in something we either saw the Lord doing in ourselves or in other people and for me, this is a testimony worth sharing; it shows how far I have truly come.
I used to be someone who didn't know how to have true friendships. I'd always isolate myself and not really say much to people, let alone open up with them in the ways that I do now. It used to be something that always haunted me, until sometime last year. I can't pin it on an exact date because I just suddenly stopped even thinking that I used to be that way and it truly was a non-issue. I know I've come so far, in fact, I might be a little extreme these days when it comes to this kind of thing. Almost like I am trying to make up for so much lost time.
Anyways, I haven't paid much mind to this in such a long time, like I've just been going on with my life as if I never had a problem with isolating myself and pulling away from large groups of people.
Anyways here is the story and poem. I wrote them together so they're on document, not pome and story as separate entities:
I row through the silent waters, the only sound being that of the oars as they cut through the bitter cold surface below. This sound was once a sound filled with hope, hope that I was moving in the right direction, but through the silence it has become something quite different; it reverberates within my skull with the revelation that I am not rowing towards a peace filled land at all. I realize with all certainty that this sound, which reverberates within my head, which is created by my motion forward, is really only bringing me closer and closer to a still and silent oblivion; the very sea that was once my friend has now betrayed me. “Come Greg,” it said to me, “see how people reject you? See how they hurt you? See how they betray your trust? Silent loneliness will never betray you; will never hurt you! Come now! Isolate yourself! Isolation will never demand that you fit in, and in being alone, you will never be hurt again!” Unfortunately, I had not realized that in being isolated, in being alone, I would never be able to experience the joys that deep friends go through. So without understanding, I stepped into a boat of Silence and Isolation and ventured out onto the vast sea of loneliness. It is this vast sea that has betrayed me! Yes, a deep fog has overcome me and I am now unable to distinguish how to get back; back into the world of deep meaningful friendships. It is almost impossible for me to remember what it looks like, and therefore I am even more lost and isolated than I ever was before. The mist of confusion and the stillness surround me like an iron curtain and the boat, in which once was my abode, has become to me a one-man prison. There is one, though, who can lift the iron curtain and remove me from my silent penitentiary. One whose word is always true and who sincerely wants to be my friend. This friend is found in Jesus Christ my Lord and there is this one and only query left to answer; will I choose to follow Him and the path of healing that He sets before me, or will I continue to row? Both paths ensue me with fear; for the former, I am afraid of being let down, rejected and hurt again, and the latter? Because I know that if I continue down it, if I continue to drift on this Sea of Loneliness, I will be forever condemned to an empty silence and will one day slip into dark oblivion…
I sit quietly for a moment but then continue to forge ahead
Ceaselessly moving onward over a calm and silent sea.
Alone in this boat, my wounded heart and seclusion are eternally wed
Ceaselessly floating onward over a calm and lonely sea.
I remember the promise I was given if I would just sit here and row
Endlessly staring at the chance that hangs above my boats edge
Recalling the assurance I was handed if I would just sit here and row
Endlessly screaming as my hope does fade on this broken pledge.
I ponder my hearts paradigm of a still, quiet, and forlorn detachment
Ceaselessly praying for the strength to stand and put down my oars.
Alone no more, I realize that my time in prayer was not utterly spent,
And that I can now come to rest on those distant, far-off, shores.
I used to be someone who didn't know how to have true friendships. I'd always isolate myself and not really say much to people, let alone open up with them in the ways that I do now. It used to be something that always haunted me, until sometime last year. I can't pin it on an exact date because I just suddenly stopped even thinking that I used to be that way and it truly was a non-issue. I know I've come so far, in fact, I might be a little extreme these days when it comes to this kind of thing. Almost like I am trying to make up for so much lost time.
Anyways, I haven't paid much mind to this in such a long time, like I've just been going on with my life as if I never had a problem with isolating myself and pulling away from large groups of people.
Anyways here is the story and poem. I wrote them together so they're on document, not pome and story as separate entities:
I row through the silent waters, the only sound being that of the oars as they cut through the bitter cold surface below. This sound was once a sound filled with hope, hope that I was moving in the right direction, but through the silence it has become something quite different; it reverberates within my skull with the revelation that I am not rowing towards a peace filled land at all. I realize with all certainty that this sound, which reverberates within my head, which is created by my motion forward, is really only bringing me closer and closer to a still and silent oblivion; the very sea that was once my friend has now betrayed me. “Come Greg,” it said to me, “see how people reject you? See how they hurt you? See how they betray your trust? Silent loneliness will never betray you; will never hurt you! Come now! Isolate yourself! Isolation will never demand that you fit in, and in being alone, you will never be hurt again!” Unfortunately, I had not realized that in being isolated, in being alone, I would never be able to experience the joys that deep friends go through. So without understanding, I stepped into a boat of Silence and Isolation and ventured out onto the vast sea of loneliness. It is this vast sea that has betrayed me! Yes, a deep fog has overcome me and I am now unable to distinguish how to get back; back into the world of deep meaningful friendships. It is almost impossible for me to remember what it looks like, and therefore I am even more lost and isolated than I ever was before. The mist of confusion and the stillness surround me like an iron curtain and the boat, in which once was my abode, has become to me a one-man prison. There is one, though, who can lift the iron curtain and remove me from my silent penitentiary. One whose word is always true and who sincerely wants to be my friend. This friend is found in Jesus Christ my Lord and there is this one and only query left to answer; will I choose to follow Him and the path of healing that He sets before me, or will I continue to row? Both paths ensue me with fear; for the former, I am afraid of being let down, rejected and hurt again, and the latter? Because I know that if I continue down it, if I continue to drift on this Sea of Loneliness, I will be forever condemned to an empty silence and will one day slip into dark oblivion…
I sit quietly for a moment but then continue to forge ahead
Ceaselessly moving onward over a calm and silent sea.
Alone in this boat, my wounded heart and seclusion are eternally wed
Ceaselessly floating onward over a calm and lonely sea.
I remember the promise I was given if I would just sit here and row
Endlessly staring at the chance that hangs above my boats edge
Recalling the assurance I was handed if I would just sit here and row
Endlessly screaming as my hope does fade on this broken pledge.
I ponder my hearts paradigm of a still, quiet, and forlorn detachment
Ceaselessly praying for the strength to stand and put down my oars.
Alone no more, I realize that my time in prayer was not utterly spent,
And that I can now come to rest on those distant, far-off, shores.
All I want
Hey there
All I want is to get a good job doing what I love to do. That is all that I ask for from God; nothing more. And yet, it seems to be the very thing that doesn't happen. It's really hard for me not to become frustrated with Him again, I keep doing the crappy stuff trying to find my way into the film, television and audio worlds and nothing ever opens up for me. I was able to do one project last fall but I couldn't put the bid I needed to put in in order for me to seriously cover my personal expenses, like my loan, for a while. I'm going to probably make less than 1500 for work that I should have billed an additional 5-7000 for. I cut people breaks, do a project here and there for free (or near to it) and no breaks are every made for me. Sorry, it sounds like I am complaining... I'm just asking God to help me understand so that I at least have something to look towards when i have to do the jobs that seriously depress me. So that I can know that I'm not just living my life as a robot to free myself from a flipping loan.
Sorry, i needed to vent... I am very frustrated, bitter and grumpy today. I didn't get much sleep last night and yeah... A couple things that I was really hoping for basically closed on me today. There is still some minor hope that the doors could still be open but from where I am, they look like they're closed.
Anyways, I'll leave you to peace
Gregory
All I want is to get a good job doing what I love to do. That is all that I ask for from God; nothing more. And yet, it seems to be the very thing that doesn't happen. It's really hard for me not to become frustrated with Him again, I keep doing the crappy stuff trying to find my way into the film, television and audio worlds and nothing ever opens up for me. I was able to do one project last fall but I couldn't put the bid I needed to put in in order for me to seriously cover my personal expenses, like my loan, for a while. I'm going to probably make less than 1500 for work that I should have billed an additional 5-7000 for. I cut people breaks, do a project here and there for free (or near to it) and no breaks are every made for me. Sorry, it sounds like I am complaining... I'm just asking God to help me understand so that I at least have something to look towards when i have to do the jobs that seriously depress me. So that I can know that I'm not just living my life as a robot to free myself from a flipping loan.
Sorry, i needed to vent... I am very frustrated, bitter and grumpy today. I didn't get much sleep last night and yeah... A couple things that I was really hoping for basically closed on me today. There is still some minor hope that the doors could still be open but from where I am, they look like they're closed.
Anyways, I'll leave you to peace
Gregory
1.15.2008
I consider him as talented as Mr. Wladyslaw Szpilman
Hey there,
One of these days, as soon as he gets his songs registered with SOCAN, I'll be asking someone I know if i can post some of his songs on my profile somehow. His name is Marcel, he is an incredibly gifted piano player and musician. By far the best piano player I've ever heard. He is still young, younger than I am, but a musical genius he is. He graces the piano with numerous melodies that he himself writes, on the spot. That's right, the music he plays is completely improvised, the only way it can be reproduced faithfully is through recording it, otherwise the piece, as he played it in that exact moment, is truly lost. Never before have I ever heard an artist like this, he is simply amazing to watch and hear. His music transports you to another place and time, where emotion collides with beauty and your heart is left feeling quite content and whole, as if peace itself were the very embodiment of his melodies. It truly is incredible, and if I can help launch him into a career in music, then I would gladly do so, because to keep his beautiful polyphonic voice, and internationally reaching language, silent, would be a true horror and sin. So that is Marcel and I can only hope that I have captured the very essence of his music in these expressions. Take my word for it, once you hear his music, you will be left with an impression of the Living and Dynamic God, whose Spirit clearly rests on this music.
Soon, my friends, soon. I have faith that he will allow me to post a couple.
God Bless
Gregory
One of these days, as soon as he gets his songs registered with SOCAN, I'll be asking someone I know if i can post some of his songs on my profile somehow. His name is Marcel, he is an incredibly gifted piano player and musician. By far the best piano player I've ever heard. He is still young, younger than I am, but a musical genius he is. He graces the piano with numerous melodies that he himself writes, on the spot. That's right, the music he plays is completely improvised, the only way it can be reproduced faithfully is through recording it, otherwise the piece, as he played it in that exact moment, is truly lost. Never before have I ever heard an artist like this, he is simply amazing to watch and hear. His music transports you to another place and time, where emotion collides with beauty and your heart is left feeling quite content and whole, as if peace itself were the very embodiment of his melodies. It truly is incredible, and if I can help launch him into a career in music, then I would gladly do so, because to keep his beautiful polyphonic voice, and internationally reaching language, silent, would be a true horror and sin. So that is Marcel and I can only hope that I have captured the very essence of his music in these expressions. Take my word for it, once you hear his music, you will be left with an impression of the Living and Dynamic God, whose Spirit clearly rests on this music.
Soon, my friends, soon. I have faith that he will allow me to post a couple.
God Bless
Gregory
1.10.2008
Music Applied to Relationships: Expectancy of the Unexpected Revisted
I should illuminate something before people get confused with the following. The reason I ask for ideas and input is because when I post something as I did in my previous post, it's still very much a new theory, a new idea, and is pretty much untested. I like to think 'aloud' (through writing anyways) because it helps me see connections that I would otherwise miss.
So onwards, in my own thoughts as well as through the process of talking to my friend Brenan, there is one serious flaw in the idea that if we know everything that is going to happen and have a 'roadmap' of sorts to life, which in turn makes our relationships flat and stale, how then are we able to have a dynamic relationship with God who knows all things? It's a question that needs to be answered if the theory will ever hold any ground. Think about it and let me know what you come up with it. In my thoughts, I wonder if it couldn't be because He could choose to limit Himself for the sake of having a relationship with us. But what does that limiting look like and what does it entail? All very important questions. Think and pray about it, as I will be.
Greg
So onwards, in my own thoughts as well as through the process of talking to my friend Brenan, there is one serious flaw in the idea that if we know everything that is going to happen and have a 'roadmap' of sorts to life, which in turn makes our relationships flat and stale, how then are we able to have a dynamic relationship with God who knows all things? It's a question that needs to be answered if the theory will ever hold any ground. Think about it and let me know what you come up with it. In my thoughts, I wonder if it couldn't be because He could choose to limit Himself for the sake of having a relationship with us. But what does that limiting look like and what does it entail? All very important questions. Think and pray about it, as I will be.
Greg
1.08.2008
Music Applied to Relationships
Hey there,
So before I get into this I just want to say something. If I know all the up's and downs, all the trials, all the joys, and all the expereinces that I am going to go through with you, our relationship will be flat; it will be dead. Relationships are built upon the unexpected, they're built upon the companionship and the partnership of two people as they experience something. If I already know everything that is going to happen and how to steer clear of the bad stuff and know the good stuff that's coming, I won't be able to share that moment with you and our relationship becomes quite flat; instead of living life with you, I'm following a set of directions, which is nothing more than a computer or robot does. Relationships are expectancy of the unexpected. Of course, as you've seen in my other posts, that's not all there is to a good relationship with God, or with friends, family and lovers. But we don't need to go there. What inspired this post was a passage that I read in "This is Your Brain On Music", page 111 if you have the book, "I said earlier that music is organized sound, but the organization has to involve some element of the unexpected or it is emotionally flat and robotic." You see, Daniel Levitin says that through the culture we grow up in, our minds form links and memories that say "Music is supposed to sound like this" however, what distinguishes a great song that will be played for a very long time and a song that we forget rather quickly is that the good song breaks those expectations that our minds have formed, giving it an edgy unexpected air that keeps us interested and listening for more, because we naturally want to hear the music return to the pattern we expect. So without those unexpected shifts, the music won't keep us on the edge of our seats or interest us in any way shape or form. I just found it cool that music, like relationships, requires an air of the expectancy of the unexpected for it to truly work and truly be great.
What do you think?
Greg
So before I get into this I just want to say something. If I know all the up's and downs, all the trials, all the joys, and all the expereinces that I am going to go through with you, our relationship will be flat; it will be dead. Relationships are built upon the unexpected, they're built upon the companionship and the partnership of two people as they experience something. If I already know everything that is going to happen and how to steer clear of the bad stuff and know the good stuff that's coming, I won't be able to share that moment with you and our relationship becomes quite flat; instead of living life with you, I'm following a set of directions, which is nothing more than a computer or robot does. Relationships are expectancy of the unexpected. Of course, as you've seen in my other posts, that's not all there is to a good relationship with God, or with friends, family and lovers. But we don't need to go there. What inspired this post was a passage that I read in "This is Your Brain On Music", page 111 if you have the book, "I said earlier that music is organized sound, but the organization has to involve some element of the unexpected or it is emotionally flat and robotic." You see, Daniel Levitin says that through the culture we grow up in, our minds form links and memories that say "Music is supposed to sound like this" however, what distinguishes a great song that will be played for a very long time and a song that we forget rather quickly is that the good song breaks those expectations that our minds have formed, giving it an edgy unexpected air that keeps us interested and listening for more, because we naturally want to hear the music return to the pattern we expect. So without those unexpected shifts, the music won't keep us on the edge of our seats or interest us in any way shape or form. I just found it cool that music, like relationships, requires an air of the expectancy of the unexpected for it to truly work and truly be great.
What do you think?
Greg
1.05.2008
The Notions of Perception
Hey there,
So I am reading a book right now called "This Is Your Brain on Music" and it is quite interesting. I've always found the science of pyschoacoustics to be very interesting and I have always wanted to learn more about it. The idea that everything we hear is a product of how our brains percieve it is just really cool. You know the old addage "If a tree falls in the forest and nothing is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Well before I went to school in Toronto, I was always saying yes. But that is not the case. Sure, if a tree falls in the forest, the physical properties of sound are still there; the air molecules are still vibrating at a certain rate, but here's the catch: the tree does not make a sound. Why? Because in order for 'sound' to exist as we understand it, something has to be there in it's presence to interpret what is happening to the air molecules on a physical level. Without anything there to interpret the physical disturbance then that is all it is, a disturbance in the air, a miniscule breeze, a tiny change in air pressure. I understood that before I started reading the book but the thing that made me really stop today and think is that this is the case for practically everything we expereince. Take colour for example. If there is nothing in a room to percieve colour, is the room still coloured? The answer here as well is no. Particles do not have an inherent colour, they're just particles. For something to have a colour attributed to it, there must be a set of eyeballs and a brain to interpret the waveforms that are being reflected off the surface. Indeed, the waveform itself isn't even coloured, we only attribute colour to it because that is how our minds interpret it. What really blows my mind is that to some other creature, violet could be the low end of the spectrum and red the high end. Same goes for taste, the smoked salmon in the fridge does not have a taste until we put it in our mouths and our brain interprets the signals the tongue recieves as 'salmon'. The same can be said of smell, and possibly even touch. Is something rough because it's inherently rough or is that just the way we interpret it? The Science of Perception really intrigues me. I'm of course more interested in the sound aspect of perception, but all aspects are equally as cool.
Anyways, hope you enjoy and I hope you start listening, seeing, and tasting with a new interest.
YFTCF
Gregory @(*o*)@
So I am reading a book right now called "This Is Your Brain on Music" and it is quite interesting. I've always found the science of pyschoacoustics to be very interesting and I have always wanted to learn more about it. The idea that everything we hear is a product of how our brains percieve it is just really cool. You know the old addage "If a tree falls in the forest and nothing is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Well before I went to school in Toronto, I was always saying yes. But that is not the case. Sure, if a tree falls in the forest, the physical properties of sound are still there; the air molecules are still vibrating at a certain rate, but here's the catch: the tree does not make a sound. Why? Because in order for 'sound' to exist as we understand it, something has to be there in it's presence to interpret what is happening to the air molecules on a physical level. Without anything there to interpret the physical disturbance then that is all it is, a disturbance in the air, a miniscule breeze, a tiny change in air pressure. I understood that before I started reading the book but the thing that made me really stop today and think is that this is the case for practically everything we expereince. Take colour for example. If there is nothing in a room to percieve colour, is the room still coloured? The answer here as well is no. Particles do not have an inherent colour, they're just particles. For something to have a colour attributed to it, there must be a set of eyeballs and a brain to interpret the waveforms that are being reflected off the surface. Indeed, the waveform itself isn't even coloured, we only attribute colour to it because that is how our minds interpret it. What really blows my mind is that to some other creature, violet could be the low end of the spectrum and red the high end. Same goes for taste, the smoked salmon in the fridge does not have a taste until we put it in our mouths and our brain interprets the signals the tongue recieves as 'salmon'. The same can be said of smell, and possibly even touch. Is something rough because it's inherently rough or is that just the way we interpret it? The Science of Perception really intrigues me. I'm of course more interested in the sound aspect of perception, but all aspects are equally as cool.
Anyways, hope you enjoy and I hope you start listening, seeing, and tasting with a new interest.
YFTCF
Gregory @(*o*)@
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