Decisions

Hey,

So my boss is selling his business and I am not sure what exactly i am supposed to do with that. To continue with this job I now have feels very very wrong now that he is selling. Something about it makes me very uncomfortable and uneasy; it just feels very very wrong for me and I can't really explain why. With all this comes a new wave of, desparity, because I really want to know what I SHOULD be doing, if this current job is wrong. It's like Colorado can't happen fast enough. Yes, this new position with my boss selling his business has really upset the equilibrium I have in my life.

To top things off, you all remember Lea right? Well she sent me a message today saying she was getting married. That's something I really didn't want to know at all. I'm in a catch 22 because I would like to see our friendship restored but at the same time, I really don't want anything more to do with her. I hate myself for that. But water off the duck right? What's done is done, what's said is said and it's better if she dosn't ever talk to me again and vice-versa. I don't care if she reads my blogs or not and I am thankful that she is praying for me (I am praying for her) but yeah. Anyways...
I hope everything is going well for everyone else!
God Bless
Gregory
P.S. Lissy, if you read this my friend, then SMILE! :D

Soon to be in Sync

Hey there,

So if you don't know what the title means, you may want to stp reading now. If you're curious but realize you might not understand it, continue reading.
I am now one step closer to locking my audio recording gear to Video Blackburst! It will be a momentous occasion! Basically, it means the things I record will be going the same speed as video. I've been waiting for this day for a very long time because my system is becoming more and more 'elite' as time goes on; it's getting more complex and I like that! Complex means my mind gets to work some more and I actually have to think about things. Like making sure projects are running with the right timecode and sync reference, routing the sync and timecode through all the gear, making sure devices are slaved to the external source and aren't referencing their speed internally and yeah. Good times. I may sound crazy, but i actually MISS working with timecode and sync. The last time i did it, I spent all day trying to capture on-set dialogue into Pro-tools HD with the TC stamp we gave it while on-set. You wouldn't think audio engineering would fry your brain but by the end of the day i couldn't function at all; The only thing I could do was sit and veg. in front of a movie.
Yes, I'm looking forward to the day i face those challenges again! Woohooo!
TTYL
Greg

An Answer to a popular question

So Hi there,

I see a few people do actually read this. They both asked me similar questions about this school in Colorado. It's the University of Colorado in Denver that I am trying to get into and the number of years I am there will depend on whether or not I can apply straight to the masters program or not. If not, I'll probably have to only take 2-3 classes to get my bachelors equivalent. So, I could be there for no more than 2 and a half years. We shall see what happens though; I finally got them my syllabi so i should have an answer from them soon enough.
Anyways, I should get going.
TTYL
Greg

1 year

Hey there folks,


So these past few days have been the 1 year anniverasry of the start of the Danielle situation. Hard to believe that that has already been a year ago. Sadly, the effects of what happened still have a mark on my life and I don't know if i can ever truly ever heal fully. Too much happened, too many mistakes were made, too many words were said, too many promises were broken, on both sides. I am not proud by the way i handled that at all, and I am not proud i broke the promises I made to Danielle. I think one of the images hat will stay with me for the rest of my life is one of the two of us passing eachother in the hallway. We were both alone and I just glared at her. I remember seeing the look in her eyes, they were so broken, so sad, and so burdened; i felt so bad. I had promised her that I wouldn't hurt her and that I would never leave her alone. Some friend I turned out to be. I abandoned the one person who seemed to actually care about me at school. Sure, I have a couple others i havn't stopped talking to, but she was different, our friendship went so much deeper than any other friendship I had there. Anyways, that's enough reminiscingfor tonight i think.
Greg

The Sea of Lonliness

Hey there,

So this story and poem were written by myself a couple years ago. You'll get the gist of the post once you read them I think.

The Sea of Lonliness

I row through the silent waters, the only sound being that of the oars as they cut through the bitter cold surface below. This sound was once a sound filled with hope, hope that I was moving in the right direction, but through the silence it has become something quite different; it reverberates within my skull with the revelation that I am not rowing towards a peace filled land at all. I realize with all certainty that this sound, which reverberates within my head, which is created by my motion forward, is really only bringing me closer and closer to a still and silent oblivion; the very sea that was once my friend has now betrayed me. “Come Greg,” it said to me, “see how people reject you? See how they hurt you? See how they betray your trust? Silent loneliness will never betray you; will never hurt you! Come now! Isolate yourself! Isolation will never demand that you fit in, and in being alone, you will never be hurt again!” Unfortunately, I had not realized that in being isolated, in being alone, I would never be able to experience the joys that deep friends go through. So without understanding I stepped into a boat of Silence and Isolation and ventured out onto the vast sea of loneliness. It is this vast sea that has betrayed me! Yes, a deep fog has overcome me and I am now unable to distinguish how to get back; back into the world of deep meaningful friendships. It is almost impossible for me to remember what it looks like, and therefore I am even more lost and isolated than I ever was before. The mist of confusion and the stillness surround me like an iron curtain and the boat, in which once was my abode, has become to me a one-man prison. There is one, though, who can lift the iron curtain and remove me from my silent penitentiary. One whose word is always true and who sincerely wants to be my friend. This friend is found in Jesus Christ my Lord and there is this one and only query left to answer; will I choose to follow Him and the path of healing that He sets before me, or will I continue to row? Both paths ensue me with fear; for the former, I am afraid of being let down, rejected and hurt again, and the latter? Because I know that if I continue down it, if I continue to drift on this Sea of Loneliness, I will be forever condemned to an empty silence and will one day slip into dark oblivion...

I row
I sit quietly for a moment but then I continue to forge ahead
Ceaselessly moving onward over a calm and silent sea.
Alone in this boat, my wounded heart and seclusion are eternally wed
Ceaselessly floating onward over a calm and lonely sea.

I remember the promise I was given if I would just sit here and row
Endlessly staring at the chance that hangs above my boats edge
Recalling the assurance I was handed if I would just sit here and row
Endlessly screaming as my hope does fade on this broken pledge.

I ponder my hearts paradigm of a still, quiet, and forlorn detachment
Ceaselessly praying for the strength to stand and put down my oars.
Alone no more, I realize that my time in prayer was not utterly spent,
And that I can now come to rest on those distant, far-off shores...

I'm having a hard time with some stuff right now; pulling away from everyone I love yet again. Being consumed by the same fear, the same pain, and the same bitterness that I once was lost in and I'm unable to stop the process. The more time that goes by, the more I am slipping away and I lose myself to the winter within. And yet, I still cling on to hope, there's a part of me that won't give up. Just say a prayer for me, I don't want to give up. I feel spiritually how i felt all those years ago when I woke up being strangled by a demon. Please don't think i am strange, I woke up that morning and could not breathe, I couldn't even move. Not an inch. I couldn't move my legs, my arms, my head, I couldn't roll over; i was stuck half on my stomach and half on my side being held up by something. The more I struggled the tighter everything became and it wasn't until i said in my head "In the name of Jesus I command you to release me" that I was able to shake my shoulders and the sensation was instantly gone; I was free to get up out of bed where before I couldn't. That physical feeling that morning is how i now feel spiritually; strangled, alone and afraid.

TTYL

Greg

A scare?

Hey Peeps,

So I coughed up a bit of blood yesterday. Been feeling kind of sick of late and yesterday was the straw that broke my back and i went to the doc. Told him about what happened and how i was feeling and he said "Looks like you have a bit of the flu and your tonsils are a little swollen, but aren't bad." I wonder. I should trust him but yeah, I don't feel too many flu-like symptoms and my throat is more sore than anything, but yeah he seemed to think there was nothing really abnormal about me. It's always disconceriting when you cough up a bit of blood.
Yeah, still no word on any other jobs. I found a school in Colorado that i may go to next fall and if that's the case, I'll be workign here to save up enough money. Am seriously thinking about applying for Initial Attack next summer and do fire fighting, but only if i go to Colorado. Otherwise, I'll continue looking for work in my field. We'll see where things go. My brother thinks I should apply for IA.
Anyways, I should go to bed
TTYL
Greg
P.S. I'm doing much better witht eh whole Lea situation now; I've basically let my feelings for her go, but I am still upset about what happened.

Hey

Hi there,

I deleted a couple posts because people were just going to mis-interpret why i had them up in the first place. I had a really really bad dream last night. It felt kind of like a judgement almost, where everything i have ever done was shown to me, everyone in the dream kept calling me selfish, and yeah. All it did was point at all my faults and basically mock me for them. I was ripped apart and torn down, and then it was all thrown in my face. You see a lot of the dream had to do with what happened in Toronto, I felt the stinging judging words from Danielle again and then, when it was all said and done and i felt like the most horrible person in the world, I was mocked by someone showing me pictures of her taking her top off for the guy she said she wasn't dating. It burned. Basically the whole dream was a mockery and everyone i ever cared for was taking a turn. Why is it that I can't write about my struggles and what I am trying to deal with without feeling so selfish? Without people telling me I am being selfish? Why can't people realize that anything and everything they might consider in the situation, I have already considered myself? I don't have the time to write down every thought I have had on a matter, that would take forever. I'm an analytical person and I consider every single little sidechain there is. If I miss one, it's not for lack of trying or caring or being selfish. If i write about something on the internet, it's not to stab out at people, it's more to get my frustrations out and help me come to a decision, because it means i usually havn't decided yet.
what is the song? "I was sure by now, God you would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day but once agian I say amen and it's still raining. But as the thunder rolls I barely hear your whisper through the rain 'I'm with you' and as your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am and every tear i've cried you hold in your hand, you never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm. I remeber when i stumbleded in the wind, you heard my cry to you and raised me up again. My strength is almost gone, how can i carry on, if i can't find You. But as the thunder rolls I barely hear your whisper through the rain 'I'm with you' And as your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away."
This time in my life is a true storm, clouded with pain, the loss of freindship, and my own selfishness and I can barely hear His voice, if I even can; if i am even worthy to hear His voice...
Greg

Hiya

Hey,

So I went to Lea's Myspace page again to check for updates and she has pictures of the guy she's now dating up. Thye look really happy together. She is still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen but I'm happy for her. A part of me cries because when I look at that, I see something that I would love to have, I would love to be with someone and be that happy with them, but my heart tells me that that is impossible. I don't know what it is but all my life I've believed I would end up alone and it really scares me, to a degree. People tell me it's not true, I hear the Lord telling me it's not true, but despite all of that, my heart can feel nothing else; I can't seem to believe. A part of me thinks that if it wasn't Lea, then it would be no one. I'm sorry for this, I am just really frustrated righ tnow. I see all these good things happening to all of my friends and yet these past 2 years I've felt like God has completely ignored me. All my freinds in school got opportunity after opportunity thrown into their laps to build contacts and do things involving audio, and yet I got nothing despite the fact that I was one of the top students. the contacts i did get said they'd keep in touch but that has proven untrue. I see other friends getting jobs in their fields, getting their dreams of going to law school fulfilled, finding someone to be with, and having a good time with life. And what do i get? A job I absolutely can't stand, living in a town I absolutely can't stand anymore, no prospects of a job in my field and each door that is seemingly opened, is slammed shut again. It's hard for me not to beome bitter again and despite all the progess I've made these past few weeks, I'm almost ready to throw my faith down and start doing things on my own. I'm an extremist and right now I could either go extreme faith or drop my faith completely. In either case, it's taking more strength than I have to pull through. I don't have the strength anymore to have faith and I don't have the strength to continue on my own without faith.

So as I said, time will tell if my blog title proved to be true or not. I view blogs as 'Inherent Contradictions of Reason' because if you truly use it as a journal and have difficulties -or anything like that- with friends who know about the blog and can go and read it whenever they want, then really, either you can't write what you truly want to write or you're flying in the face of all reason and writing about struggles they should maybe not hear about.

The reason I write this is because I want your opinions, your prayers, your ideas, any help or words you may have oand yeah. That's why I write this, it's not just to vent.

YFTCF

Gregory

A Beautiful Warrior: Explained

Hey friends,

So this is an explanation of the poem below. I wrote thi poem about someone i met back in January and she was and is still the most amazing person I've met in my life. Only now she has a boyfriend. When i let her first read the poem, she didn't have a boyfriend but I still think the meaning was lost on her and everyone else. Besides the obvious, where I realized that I'm not perfect, she's not perfect (in the literal sense, being her, but also in the sense that all women aren't perfect) and we will never be perfect, there's a line i would like to draw attention to. "But I am seperated from her in both time and space." The 'her' here is literal, being the person i wrote the poem about, not women in general. Here's the rub, despite everything I've come to feel, there are certain things that I just know, and i knew when i wrote this poem that my path and her path were going 2 very different ways and to have her companionship would be impossible. Some would call me foolish to let my feelings grow so much if i knew it were impossible, but if you knew me, I don't regard such things as foolishness and I give love a chance no matter what happens. So yeah, as happens with a lot of things, I think the full meaning of this poem was lost on everyone who read it.
TTYL
Gregory

Poem: A Beautiful Soldier

A Beautiful Soldier

We are surrounded by a valley

Its trees are dispersed in a random pattern and

The waterfall shines like a cascade of mirrors.

In the silver moonlit night, its rumble only adds

To the beauty that now encircles our encampment.

And then I see her, a warrior.

I see her by the fire; her dark hair hangs loosely down her back

And the flickering light is cast upon her face.

The orange glow accenting her fair complexion

Also provides a reprieve from the night's bitter chill.

I cry, because my desire is to have her companionship

But I am separated from her in both time and space

And with greatest reluctance, I turn away and approach the waterfall,

The rumbling cascade drowning out the din of everything else.

I saw, etched deep into her face, a mighty dedication,

A strong devotion to the Christ Messiah

And I begin to wonder where my own heart lies.

Peering into the silver cascade of mirrors

I catch a glimpse of my broken reflection...

Then the sound of light footsteps breaks my concentration

And I turn, startled to find her smiling at my side.

My breath is still as our attention shifts back to the waterfall

And my eyes see a mystifying thing;

There, within the silver moonlit cascade

Lay the mirrored images of two broken reflections.

You are not alone

The steep mountain slope stood before him, nothing but rock surrounded him. He was unable to see the horizon and the mountains about him were indeed impenetrable. Fear gripped his heart as he stood alone on the side of this mountain, it haunted him it followed him. He could not escape the feeling, could not escape the moments of overwhelming doubt. They followed him as if they were the very essence of the black clouds that lay below him. There was so much pain, so much confusion within those clouds and despite all his strength he could not keep in front of them. His situation was bleak, a wall of rock stood before him with only pain, confusion and loneliness behind him. Where could he find his peace, where could he put his trust...

Dressed in his dull, beat up armor the soldier stood in a bleak and wasted landscape. The army behind him was ceaselessly cursing, yelling and taunting him. The hatred they had towards him, the pure unchecked bloodlust they had for his demise haunted the soldier; he was weak and could not stand anymore. Falling to his knees in bitter frustration he cried aloud; he knew his demise would soon become a reality. His enemy had won and they had been able to knock down his defenses. As if to re-iterate this, his helmet slipped off his head and fell to the dusty ground. His hope was gone. Where could he find his peace, his strength, and, in whom could he put his trust...

...The lone man looked at the dark churning clouds behind him and the impenetrable wall of solid rock in front of him and then something overcame him. He was aware of a presence so holy, so divine standing right beside him. He turned to look but could see no one, and yet, he knew there was someone beside him holding his hand and carrying him along. It spoke of a hope, of someone so trustworthy and faithful, and now he knew that this rock face was not as impenetrable as he once had thought. He turned his back on the prison of clouds below him and took one step forward into the future. Yes, there would be trying times but the one beside him would be there to show him the path.

...As the soldier sat there sobbing he felt someone approach him. Thinking it was finally the end he collapsed to the ground, his face pressed hard into the soil. But he felt someone reach down and touch him, a touch not of hate, but of love and he was raised from off his face. Still unable to stand, the soldier stayed on his knees looking up trying to see his helpers face, but the brilliance behind this strange person kept him from seeing much detail. He watched as his helper bent down to pick up the fallen helmet. Dusting it off the stranger placed the helmet back onto the soldiers head. Standing him up, the stranger said one sentence, “Go. I go with you and my strength is yours.” With that the soldier turned to face the army before him and raising his sword, he leveled it at the creatures that so wanted to destroy him. He knew now that this would be a different battle and he was indeed not alone in it.

This is a story I wrote not too long ago. Sometimes I begin to wonder if I write these stories for a reason that I cannot comprehend at the time the last key is struck. You see, every time i go back to read them, I seem to be facing some kind of trial, some kind of struggle; when all hope seems to be lost, the things I've written seem to reach into my very heart and calm the waters. They seem to bolster my strength and my resolve to not give in and not be conquered by the troubles of this life.

Random Bush Stories

So this is a picture of a river near my place. Absolutely gorgeous isn't it? I'm someone who loves nature and when I see pictures like this, it makes me just want to be there.
For those of you who don't know, and I am sure that is almost everyone who reads this blog. I am a sound engineer currently working in the bush unti I can find something in my own field of expertise. I love the outdoors a lot. I complain about work sometimes only because when I am working, I have no time to appreciate the wilderness I am in, I don't have any time to explore, and I can't choose when I want to go out or where. So I end up just not liking my job at all and can get really frustrated sometimes. However, I've hadsome of the most amazing experiences while working in the bush. Like just a few weeks ago I had a squirrel use my head as a platform for escape. You see, my partners dog had been digging at this root wad for some time and I was sitting down on a log nearby. We were doing a re-sweep of a cruise that had failed so i didn't really have much to do at the time. As i was sitting there thinking, I kind of felt something brush my arm and then, I was hit in the head. I thought it was my partner and i truned to him but he was too far away. But then he said something that clued me in, he said "Oh, looks like it got away from you Hudson!". I knew immediately what had happened. The squirrel he had been digging for got real panicked and decided to take a gamble by running right for a human and using it's head as a platform to jump to a nearby tree. I couldn't believe it when I first realized what had happened to me. The poor thing must have been absolutley terrified to pull a stunt like that. What makes it even more funny is that I had almost decided to stand up a split second before all this occoured. If i had, the quirrel would have been airborne and unable to change it's trajectory. In which case, I would have been wearing that thing in my shoulder, rather than my head and Yeah, things would have gotten interesting from there; it would have been a true 'Goofey' moment to behold, everything going wrong at once.
A few days later I had a deer come within 10 feet of trampling me. My partners dog (same dog) decided it would be fun to chase them around a block we were GPS'ing at the time and this stupid thing came bounding over a small bump/hill of which i was standing at the base. I yelled 'Whoa deer!' and it took an immediate right hand turn and bounded off. I thought for a second it was a bear and panicked because i had left my bear spray in the truck.
Anyways, those are just a few of my bush stories; I've had many over the years!

Testing the Waters

Hi there,

I'm not sur ehow this blog spot works, but i thought i would give it a try. Why not hey? It seems like it is pretty neat. I don't know very many people who have one though so this could be interesting.
Anyways, I have stories, but i am tired right now. Seems to be the trend of late. I re-started my Myspace blog as well. That URL is www.myspace.com/gbmurray.
TTYL folks
Gregory